IPB

Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

41 Pages V  « < 39 40 41  
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Jokes you got em post em
Rating 5 V
BigBadLou
post Apr 20 2012, 10:30 AM
Post #801


Electrical Guru
******

Group: Administrators
Posts: 8,812
Joined: 3-November 04
From: North Austin
Member No.: 7

Tech Writer Lending a Hand Donations award


lol.gif


--------------------
"People suck, life blows, now that's what I call equilibrium!"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post May 2 2012, 11:23 PM
Post #802


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs down stairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $500.00 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

He admires her for a few seconds, then hands her $500.00 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bath room, her husband calls from the shower, "Who was that?"

It was Bob, the next door neighbor, "she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500.00 he owes me?"


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
BigBadLou
post May 5 2012, 11:22 AM
Post #803


Electrical Guru
******

Group: Administrators
Posts: 8,812
Joined: 3-November 04
From: North Austin
Member No.: 7

Tech Writer Lending a Hand Donations award


roflmao.gif


--------------------
"People suck, life blows, now that's what I call equilibrium!"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Jun 14 2012, 10:45 AM
Post #804


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
BigBadLou
post Jun 14 2012, 11:10 AM
Post #805


Electrical Guru
******

Group: Administrators
Posts: 8,812
Joined: 3-November 04
From: North Austin
Member No.: 7

Tech Writer Lending a Hand Donations award


Hehe, must have been by College Station, dang Aggies. lol.gif
Though it sounds like a clip with Mr. Bean.


--------------------
"People suck, life blows, now that's what I call equilibrium!"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Jun 29 2012, 10:41 AM
Post #806


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer




--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Jul 11 2012, 02:47 PM
Post #807


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer



As we progress through the year 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past few years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't share this with at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their Fecebook with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by an e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Aug 5 2012, 10:50 AM
Post #808


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?”

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

And her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?”

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, ..... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Aug 20 2012, 07:07 AM
Post #809


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed
a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a
dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

The owner replied, "Because before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
BigBadLou
post Sep 17 2012, 12:30 PM
Post #810


Electrical Guru
******

Group: Administrators
Posts: 8,812
Joined: 3-November 04
From: North Austin
Member No.: 7

Tech Writer Lending a Hand Donations award


I just got this one in an email, I think it's hilarious.
Attached thumbnail(s)
Attached Image
 


--------------------
"People suck, life blows, now that's what I call equilibrium!"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Sep 21 2012, 02:42 PM
Post #811


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


Search didn't show this one already posted so......

==================================

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
BigBadLou
post Sep 21 2012, 02:51 PM
Post #812


Electrical Guru
******

Group: Administrators
Posts: 8,812
Joined: 3-November 04
From: North Austin
Member No.: 7

Tech Writer Lending a Hand Donations award


roflmao.gif


--------------------
"People suck, life blows, now that's what I call equilibrium!"
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
flu_by_u
post Sep 24 2012, 10:22 AM
Post #813


1989 Firebird Formula 350 5.7L TPI
******

Group: Members
Posts: 1,301
Joined: 2-June 08
From: Kyle
Member No.: 376



cryinglol.gif


--------------------
-AKA R.J.-
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Oct 1 2012, 08:39 AM
Post #814


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


Full story here: Disney's Undead Princesses


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Stephen
post Jun 8 2013, 05:02 PM
Post #815


ATGO Addict
******

Group: Members
Posts: 8,915
Joined: 11-September 05
From: Bertram (just NW of Austin)
Member No.: 97

Tech Writer


Not really a joke, since it is happening to Verizon customers but....

Big Brother is Listening


--------------------
My 4Sale Stuff

Harwood Cowl Induction hood~4th gen rear wing~Ground Control Weight Jacks front & rear~180 deg thermostat~TSP Rumbler Magnaflow cat-back~UMI rod ended LCAs & PHB~275/315 17" ROH Snypers~"custom" CAI~Alson SFCs~IROC Wonderbar~UMI Billet tie rod adjusters~Sylvania Silver Star headlights & fog lights (fog light shield removed~Fogs w/Highs on mod

2" shackle drop rear~Volant CAI~Dynomax 39310 Ultra Flow Cat-back~JVC single DIN USB port deck~Duplicolor exterior paint matched interior pieces
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
John Harry
post Aug 29 2019, 12:17 AM
Post #816


ATGO Newbie
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2
Joined: 29-August 19
From: Flemington,New Jersey
Member No.: 1,538



Hahaha I also have a joke: biggrin.gif
The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”

My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”

I said, “My truck.” lol.gif

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
John Harry
post Aug 29 2019, 12:23 AM
Post #817


ATGO Newbie
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2
Joined: 29-August 19
From: Flemington,New Jersey
Member No.: 1,538



A good joke just exited you to feel happy. biggrin.gif cool.gif


John Harry
Top WBM Brands
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

41 Pages V  « < 39 40 41
Reply to this topicStart new topic
2 User(s) are reading this topic (2 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 



RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 15th September 2019 - 06:46 AM