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89WHITEGTA
post Mar 22 2006, 01:08 PM
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SON OF A BITCH FISH

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last
day of his
trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it
in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of
that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of
a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the
monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever
seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do
with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything
as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While
unloading his
gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary
inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is a Son
of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big
Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop
was scheduled to
visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son
of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked
in.
"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for
the new Bishop's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please
watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal
to go with it,
and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me
know when
you've finished
cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was
perfect. The Friar had
prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the
fish was excellent. The
new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you
get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud
priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the
Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch,
using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big
smile crept
across his face as he said,

"You fuckers are my kind of people!"


--------------------

Bert
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350 TPI Auto
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BigBadLou
post Mar 22 2006, 01:34 PM
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Hahahahaha, didn't see THAT ending coming! laugh.gif


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tyrsmkr
post Mar 22 2006, 01:55 PM
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:twisted: awsome!

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.! They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled, "Skunk ... Killed with an axe."


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BigBadLou
post Mar 22 2006, 02:05 PM
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Hahaha, oldie but goodie ... smile.gif

Another oldie right here:

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, sir,I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professionalweight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:lmao:


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89WHITEGTA
post Mar 22 2006, 02:06 PM
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LMAO :lmao:  :lol:  :smilelol:  :rofl1:  :roflmao:


--------------------

Bert
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tyrsmkr
post Mar 22 2006, 02:08 PM
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:kneejerk:


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7D9TA
post Mar 22 2006, 03:02 PM
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.  Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.


--------------------
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BigBadLou
post Mar 22 2006, 03:04 PM
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laugh.gif :lmao: :rofl: :roflmao:


--------------------
"People suck, life blows, now that's what I call equilibrium!"
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89WHITEGTA
post Mar 22 2006, 04:36 PM
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that was some funny shit


--------------------

Bert
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StevenK
post Mar 22 2006, 10:05 PM
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This thread rocks, keep up the good work. :goodjob:


--------------------
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tyrsmkr
post Mar 22 2006, 10:30 PM
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too


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iwannaracecar
post Mar 22 2006, 11:14 PM
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Moses and Jesus are walking along the beach talking one day, and moses looks over at Jesus and goes "you know, i wonder if i have my old powers still" jesus nodds and so then moses takes his staff and slams it into the ground and the ocean parts. stops and the ocean goes back to normal. Jesus not to be outdone goes oh yeah watch this, starts stepping out into the water, gets about 20 feet out and starts to sink, so he hauls ass back to the shore kinda bummed, moses turns to him and says "Dont feel bad jesus, last time u didnt have the holes in your feet."





What does a Blonde and a Brick have in common?
Eventually they will both get laid by a mexican.




A preacher, Rabbi and a Baptist minister are out fishing, after a while the Rabbi says he needs a drink so he crawls out of the boat and walks up to the shore then walks back with a drink. About 5 minutes later the Preacher says he has to take a leak so he gets out of the boat and walks up to the shore to piss then comes back. After seeing this the baptist wants to go to his truck but when he steps out of the boat he sinks, so the Rabbi looks to the preacher and goes, " you think we should have told him about the rocks"


How did the mexican student get pregnant?
Teacher told her to go home and do an essay.


What do u call two mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


hmm ill get more later i know LOTS


--------------------
If u cant hear it before u see it, I aint driving it.

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StevenK
post Mar 23 2006, 01:17 AM
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laugh.gif


--------------------
1991 Z-28 - LS1 & T-56 Swap - 4.10 4th Gen Rear
ARE Stage 1 Heads - 2.02" intake, 1.57" exhaust, Comp 918 Springs
Thunder Racing Custom Camshaft - 224/224 .563/.563 114 LSA
Head Flow Sheet
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89WHITEGTA
post Mar 23 2006, 09:35 AM
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

-Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper, according to lights and darks

-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas

-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc

-Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone

-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins

-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean

-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced

-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash

-Rinse conditioner off hair

-Shave armpits and legs

-Turn off shower

-Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower

-Spray mold spots with Tilex

-Get out of shower

-Dry with towel the size of a small country

-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel

-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head, if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile

-Walk naked to the bathroom, if you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound

-Look at your manly physique in the mirror

-Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass

-Get in the shower

-Wash your face

-Wash your armpits

-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off

-Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower

-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area

-Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap

-Wash your hair

-Make a shampoo Mohawk

-Pee

-Rinse off and get out of shower

-Partially dry off

-Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time

-Admire wiener size in mirror again

-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on

-Return to bedroom with towel around waist, if you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again

-Throw wet towel on bed


--------------------

Bert
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BigBadLou
post Mar 23 2006, 09:48 AM
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:smilelol:


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BigBadLou
post Mar 29 2006, 02:49 PM
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A nice story smile.gif
Not sure where I got it. Could have been here! :shrug:


My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car .....

... My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

:smilelol:


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89WHITEGTA
post Mar 29 2006, 04:11 PM
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For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.



His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"



Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.



And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"


--------------------

Bert
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BigBadLou
post Mar 29 2006, 04:57 PM
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:smilelol:


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RoseTXN
post Mar 29 2006, 06:56 PM
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old but cute:
What not to say to the nice policeman...

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist!"






Lou
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RoseTXN
post Mar 29 2006, 07:27 PM
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Top 10
Reasons to buy a new car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups




Lou
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